I want this year to be more full of awesome.
I want to be an awesome mama. An awesome friend. An awesome baker of brussels sprouts and the occasional cupcake, who takes the time to go jogging before dawn and sing a song about it weather it's cold or warm or in between. I want to keep learning to play the accordion but also master playing trains and building awesome cities of Magnatiles which I shall then protect by whisking baby Sweet Pea (who is very alarmingly growing into less and less of a baby) away to take Panda on a ride in the mini stroller so that she does not destroy the hard work of Young Sir Oliver and myself. Then I want to put on some sexy red high heels (more likely my TOMS, but they have a feather painted on them, which is kind of sassy) and welcome my husband home from work to a reasonably unchaotic and pleasantly if (only!) slightly messy house with a big fat kiss on the mouth, arms around the neck, one leg folded at the knee- instead of with a series of "?" "???" "??!?!??!?!!" texts implying he needs to high tail it home so I can collapse on the couch if I don't trip over the dozens of tiny plastic dinosaurs littering the entire. floor. Because he's awesome and sexy and I want him to know that- hey, dude, I know how awesome you are.
I want to prepare awesome lessons for my piano students and be more creative and caring in my teaching. More disciplined in my own pursuits- writing, grad school.
I want to be a better listener instead of just butting in all the time and telling someone about MY day. And I want to call people more and just show up at their door every now and then, just to say hi. And I want to relax about how our front door and how there's so much glass and oh my goodness, the plastic dinosaurs all over the floor! Because really, I want people to come over and I don't want to feel like I have to do anything dramatic for them to feel comfortable. Who cares if you have to step over a few dinosaurs.
Today I watched a video of when Catalina's head was just fuzz and it was only from a few months ago and I want to embrace the plastic dinosaurs and love them even though I hate them because they mean I still have little chubby people to squeeze and tickle, for a little while longer.
And I want to have people over more. Cook for them more, because I cannot think of a better way to tell them that I love them. Everyone has to eat, and I can do all sorts of things with a pork tenderloin- people should know!
I want to do more for more people, but I also want to figure out how to focus on myself. It's been about babiesbabiesbabiesbabiesbabies for so long. I finally broke down and bought a pair of pants in a size I wish had one less digit. The saleslady asked if I needed help and I explained to her the whole needing new pants thing. "How old is your baby?"
Then I had to admit that she was actually a toddler and I had put off the buying of new pants for EIGHTEEN MONTHS, twenty-seven if you count pregnancy, out of pure denial, failed plans, and the inability to carve out time when I feel like I have time to go do something as scandalously selfish as purchasing trousers for myself. In a store. Where I have to try them on. So there is that to work on, too.
So basically I would like, this year, to try and be a better everything. Some people have it in their heads that we should be gentle with ourselves, that we're doing a good enough job, the best we can, in fact! Eh. If that's true it's entirely depressing. Because I want to do a whole heck of a lot better. I figure I'll continue to fall short, but at least I'm falling and not just standing around not trying to jump any higher.